I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
