Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
