You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I deserve to be covered in dicks
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
