I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
