Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
