Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
