Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
