I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
