i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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