pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
