Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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