I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
