Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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