Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
