woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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