when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
