So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
