I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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