I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
