Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
