conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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