Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
