Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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