I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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