Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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