Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
