He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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