So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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