Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
