where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Sacagawea was the original milf.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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