I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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