my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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