I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
