glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
