I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
