made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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