it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
