My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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