Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
