did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
