I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
