his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
