Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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