peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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