so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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