I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
