i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
