that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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