Hey man sorry I got all grabby
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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