ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
