the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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