I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
