I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
