I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize