yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You are the jesus of drinking
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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