we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
