I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
