Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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