If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
