I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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