Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
