Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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